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My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?