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Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?