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When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.