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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.