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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."