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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.