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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.