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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......