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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.