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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.