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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?