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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face