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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!