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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Where is the button to restart summer?
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.