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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
It needs more cowbell!!
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(