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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.