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Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
A court date is still technically a date, right?
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....