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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.