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Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.