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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.