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My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.