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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.