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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.