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Vodka is just amazing water.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
How long does it take to get obsessed?
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.