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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.