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A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.