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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.