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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.