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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.