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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.