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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work