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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.