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I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?