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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.