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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.