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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."