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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.