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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.