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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone