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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!