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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.