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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
The secret to success is in my bra.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!