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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.