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Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
My favorite beer is an open one.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.