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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?