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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.