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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea