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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."