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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.