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When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I forgot to post this earlier
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.