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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"