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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”