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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.