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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.