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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.