Daily Silly Status

I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.

When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.

At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.

I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.

I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.

Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.

Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol

Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.

What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?

Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`

Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.