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You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi