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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"