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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
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I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”