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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.