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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.