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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.