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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.