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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.