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Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...