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Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.