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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.