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My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.