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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.