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When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
I`m perfect you adjust.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-