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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
So can we just skip to summer now?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.