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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.