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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.