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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....