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Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY