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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-