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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.