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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.