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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.