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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...