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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.