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Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.