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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I had your cake and ate it too.
This day needs more yesterday.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.