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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!