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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.