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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
So can we just skip to summer now?
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.