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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!