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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Gym update: not there
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.