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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.