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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!