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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.