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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in