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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!