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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I have a black belt in leather
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.