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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.