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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.