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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.