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Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.