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Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Running behind is my cardio.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver