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When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I`ve decided!! Iām giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.