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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.