Daily Silly Status

3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.

I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.

I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.

You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!

I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.

I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.

I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.

I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.

I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk

Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?

I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.

Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.