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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"