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School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"