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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
The only clubs Iām into are sandwiches.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.