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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.