Daily Silly Status

I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.

I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.

Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.

Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.

I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?

You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"

Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.

Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.