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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."