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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!