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I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.