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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.