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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things