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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
All milk is breast milk.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
They say women only use 10% of their anger
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?