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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.