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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Gym Update: Not there.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know Iām delicious but damn.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.