Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch