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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.