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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.