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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.