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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?