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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.