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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
This is a lousy dating site.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.