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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.