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I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??